When I first heard about the movie Salt I was all, “Woohoo! Finally, a female spy that’s a lead character! And that Tomb Raider chick is in it!”

It is such a shame then, that I was so fucking disappointed when I eventually watched it.

Salt is the 2010 brainchild of writer Kurt Wimmer. You know, that guy who wrote that awesome thriller movie Law Abiding Citizen? Anyway, the premise of this film, is that Agent Evelyn Salt is accused of being a Russian sleeper agent who then has to go on the run to try and clear things up. Which kind of sounds like one of those cheesy 1970’s spy films during the Cold War.

Unfortunately, Salt is not as good as those cheesy 1970’s spy films.  It is just wrong on so many levels. The plot is so weak, that even after watching it twice, I was still confused. Mostly because of how it begins I think. The film starts with Jolie being tortured in a North Korean prison, because they think she is a spy. Then suddenly it is two years later and, wait hang on, she is an spy after all! Then after this, we only see Korea in a series of flashbacks, leaving me wondering just what the heck was the point of Salt being in Korea at all. It had nothing to do with the rest of story at all!

After this crap, some Russian dude willingly goes to the CIA and drops the bomb that they put a Russian sleeper agent into the CIA, and that the agents name is Salt.  Say what now?  What is the point of having a sleeper agent if you are just going to out them? At this point, you would think that alarm bells would be going off in everyone’s heads, but nope, they all believe the Russian dude.

After this, there is a lot of running, guns firing, and a plot that is easily forgettable (hence why I watched it twice). Then comes the tried and tested story of how the Russians took a bunch of children and brainwashed them all into becoming spies and sleeper agents and whatnot.

Don’t even get me started on that horseshit.  Talk about boring. If they had done it well, hell I’d probably be saying that it was an amazing plot device, but as it stands, it was trite, and really fucking nonsensical.

I often wonder if the massive plot holes were due to the re-writes. Not because some higher up demanded it , but because of the casting changes. Originally, Salt was going to be played by Tom Cruise, but he dropped out after deciding that it would be too similar to his Mission Impossible character Ethan Hunt. And then he went on to film the spy film Knight and Day. :/

I guess we’ll never know.

Anyway, to sum it up, the film is crap. Don’t bother watching it unless there is literally nothing better on. And even then, I would still turn off the television and go and watch grass grow. At least that way you can work on a tan.

I give it a 1 out of five. Though I think even that is too generous.